


the madness in my soul // it's a death trap, it's a suicide rap

by wyoheartsmusic



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: (one little throwaway comment), (that this is a suggested tag says it all), Andreil, Andrew is in Easthaven, Angst, Canon Compliant, Drugs, Exy, Foxes, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Mentions of past abuse, Neil tries to figure shit out but doesn't quite succeed, Oblivious Neil Josten, Pet Psycho - sometimes, Phone Calls, Rehab, clueless Neil, dumb boyfriends, during The Raven King, wtf it's impossible to come up with tags for this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-15
Updated: 2018-07-15
Packaged: 2019-06-10 22:51:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15301791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wyoheartsmusic/pseuds/wyoheartsmusic
Summary: His call history still only showed one name.— Set somewhere between “Are we? […] Friends?” and Neil’s departure to Evermore Castle.





	the madness in my soul // it's a death trap, it's a suicide rap

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, okay, I'm writing for a different fandom for the first time, this feels weird - but in a good way.  
> So I've been posting on ao3 for 11 months and this is my 50th fic. I wanted to do something special for my 50th fic (holy shit, how did that even happen???) and well, here we are. I guess this is pretty special
> 
> Here's a little story: on Monday, I started reading The Foxhole Court and, full disclosure, I could not get into it at first. I was live reacting to it and probably every second comment I made was "I am so confused". I tried to push through because [Marta](https://archiveofourown.org/users/vorfm95/pseuds/vorfm95) who made me read it loved it so much and I wanted to see what the hype was. Then Columbia happened and I wanted to nope the fuck out of there. Like, I hated Andrew with a passion - I hated him before already but that was it for me - and I could not see any way he was gonna redeem himself. I'm pretty sure I haven't forgiven him yet. But the difference now is that I want to protect him with all I've got.  
> So yeah, I've been dreaming about these characters for the past four nights and it was only a matter of time until I would write something for it - when Andrew went off to Easthaven, my first reaction was "there have to be calls!" - there weren't, so I had to write it obviously. I just couldn't get it out of my head. So I finished the books and here we are now. In my head right in the beginning when I imagined the calls, I wanted there to be more talking. But that's not really Andrew's thing, I guess so now we have this...
> 
> That was a whole lot of rambling, congrats if you made it through lmao
> 
> This is for you Marta, because you got me into the series and made me as obsessed with it as Kevin is with Exy. I love you <3
> 
> Side note, I'm super into music - who would have thought with that name - so when a song about runaways was mentioned I had to go on the hunt for the song. I found Bruce Springsteen's Born to Run and decided this would be it, I'm in love with that song now and I used lyrics from it for the title.
> 
> Anyway, finally, enjoy <3

His call history still only showed one name.

Neil didn’t know what to make of it. Couldn’t figure out why he kept going back to it in the first place.

His best guess was on how shaken he still was by yesterday’s events: his own quiet, honest voice asking if they were really friends. Hours later he still hadn’t figured out if it was worth it, if _he_ was worth it.

But he was a Fox now and it was Andrew who had made him _family_ too.

Neil was going to die. Sooner rather than later even. The smart thing to do was to run but Andrew had made a promise and Andrew’s name was still the only name in his call history.

One day he wasn’t going to run.

Before he realised what he was doing, the beeping of the line stopped and there was static silence.

It didn’t make sense because in Easthaven Hospital, they confiscated their patients’ phones. And still, someone had picked up the call Neil hadn’t even realised he was making.

“Andrew?” Neil gasped.

Unsurprisingly, there wasn’t a reply. And Neil didn’t know what he was supposed to say. So he said nothing.

It was a tense silence, but not uncomfortable. It was much better than Neil just listening to his own thoughts.

When he stopped being so aware of his own shaky inhales and exhales, he could just make out the sounds of Andrew breathing down the line.

It was almost comforting.

Neil stayed on the phone until there was some kind of commotion on the other end and the call ended abruptly.

His call history still only showed one name and Neil didn’t know what to make of it.

He wondered how Andrew was doing in Easthaven, if the staff was nice and how much grief Andrew was giving them because no matter what state Andrew was in, Neil was convinced, he’d be fighting against their kindness.

—

Neil called again the next day, same time. It was a more conscious decision this time and when Andrew didn’t pick up, he wasn’t feeling disappointed.

He still hadn’t figured out why he was calling in the first place.

Another two days passed that Neil went straight to his room after dinner with the Foxes to call Andrew and maybe be silent with him like on that first day.

However, Andrew didn’t pick up again.

Maybe it had been some kind of fever dream and he had never actually been on the phone. That scenario actually seemed more plausible than the truth.

Neil used his nighttime practices with Kevin to rid himself of any lingering thoughts of Andrew.

—

On his fourth try, it wasn’t the automated voicemail that effectively ended the beeping and Neil didn’t quite understand the way his heart skipped a beat at the silence on the other end of the line.

“Andrew?” He said like last time, knowing he wouldn’t get a reply. His voice sounded too loud in the quiet room as if it would make Matt barge into the room at any given moment, wanting an explanation for why Neil was calling Andrew. It was a silly thought but it made him lower his voice nevertheless, so that it was barely audible when he asked, “How are you doing, Andrew?”

There was only silence, of course.

Neil pictured the situation if Andrew was here and not in Easthaven and Neil would ask him that. He’d probably get punched in the face, maybe get a death threat hurled at him as well. It made him roll his eyes.

Under normal circumstances, he knew not to ask such a question.

He didn’t say anything else anymore, letting the silence stretch between them. Neil just had to believe that if Andrew didn’t want this, he’d say something and tell Neil to go to hell and never call again. He didn’t think it made a difference if Andrew was sober or on his meds, he’d still speak his mind.

So Neil settled into the silence, his eyes closed, until there was a sound on Andrew’s end again and the call cut off.

Neil kept calling even when no one picked up. It became his new obsession along with Exy, even when he didn’t know how to explain it. But his teammates didn’t know about it so there was no need to justify himself to anyone.

—

Exactly a week had passed since the first time Neil had called and Andrew had picked up. 

And this time, Andrew picked up the phone again.

Neil figured Andrew was giving him two days a week to not-talk to him — or more likely, Easthaven was giving Andrew two days a week to talk to someone outside the facility.

“How are you?” Neil whispered into the receiver, getting ready for the silence. He leaned his head against the wall and closed his eyes, getting attuned to Andrew’s quiet breaths. He started counting them; starting with the languages he knew very little of, then switching to Spanish, French, German. Spanish, French, German. Spanish, French—

With counting Andrew’s inhales and exhales, Neil noticed the usual rhythm faltering. They got more laboured and faster.

“It hurts.”

Everything screeched to a violent halt. Neil himself didn’t know how to breathe anymore.

There was one thing he had always taken for granted: Andrew Minyard didn’t let anyone in, if he felt something, he remained a cold mask of indifference nevertheless. Neil still felt bile rise in his throat thinking back to Andrew’s manic laughter after what Drake had done to him.

So hearing Andrew saying something like this was entirely soul-crushing. Neil had seen what it was like for Andrew to go into withdrawal, but he had numbed it with alcohol and drugs before. Now he had nothing and it hadn’t been long enough for him to have adjusted to it yet.

Everyone had known how hard it would be for Andrew to get off his meds but in the end, Andrew was the only one who actually experienced it and if Andrew let something like this slip, a hint of weakness, it was worse than anything Neil could have imagined.

Neil didn’t know how to comfort. His mother had never done it for him and anyway, he was pretty sure Andrew didn’t want his pity.

Then again, there were a lot of things Neil had been sure about concerning Andrew but they were in this situation right now.

Neil didn’t say anything.

Instead, he worked hard on getting his breathing back under control, deep breaths that sounded too loud in his ears but if Andrew could focus on them, they might drown out his pain.

Neil knew nothing, he _was_ nothing. And all he could do was breathe until Riko took that away from him as well.

—

Andrew’s words left Neil feeling unsettled and itchy. He was always on the move now, trying to distract himself from his thoughts, overworking himself on the court until he was so sore, he thought he wouldn’t be able to move ever again.

But his obsession didn’t stop, if anything, those words had fuelled it even more. Each night he called Andrew’s phone, and each night it went to voicemail again — until it didn’t four nights later. So there was a pattern after all; maybe that meant Neil wouldn’t be so frantic for the remaining days of the week and could focus solely on those nights he actually got Andrew on the line.

“How are you doing, Andrew?” Neil asked like he always did and he held his breath for a moment, almost expecting Andrew to reply again and tell him it hurt.

But of course Andrew wouldn’t slip up twice, no matter how much of a toll the withdrawal was taking on him.

And maybe, just maybe, Neil didn’t wait long enough to let Andrew get a word in. Silence suddenly felt suffocating so Neil had watched Nicky intently for the last couple of days, because Nicky knew exactly how to fill an awkward silence and that was what Neil did now.

He felt stupid and ridiculous for talking so much. It wasn’t like him at all but it gave him a chance to drown out any possible things Andrew would say — which he didn’t — as well as the constant nagging of _is he hurting right now?_

It seemed unfair that Andrew was always willing to protect Kevin and Neil but Neil couldn’t give that back to him. The smell of smoke and burning flesh was in the air and Neil’s breath hitched for a moment before he launched back into the mindless and inconsequential chatter of how they had celebrated Thanksgiving at Abby’s house.

The thought of Andrew undoubtedly wanting to strangle him for talking so much made Neil breathe a little easier. He hoped it wouldn’t take long until Andrew actually burst and threatened him again.

—

Neil told Andrew about how the team was growing closer, he mentioned the times they went out to dinner together and the countless moments of tension between the upperclassmen and the others.

Neil started to hate the sound of his own voice.

What was he even doing?

He was still trying to figure out why he was calling Andrew twice every week.

Neil took a deep breath, considering falling silent for a second.

It was that short pause in his annoying stream of words that Andrew used to say, “I hate you.”

Andrew had been in Easthaven for three weeks and it had been one week since he had last spoken to Neil. 

This was by far better than hearing that quiet voice that didn’t seem like Andrew’s at all.

Neil smiled. “So I’ve heard.”

It seemed to be what Neil needed to shut up again. Andrew was going to get through this. Neil licked his lips that had gone dry from talking to much and took a deep breath before closing his eyes, waiting out the time until the call ended.

—

Neil had been living on countdowns all his life. The countdown of when his father would lash out again; and then when his mother and Neil had left, the countdown until his father would find them and they had to run again; the countdown between his mother’s death and burning the car with her body in it.

The countdown of when this would be all over, when Riko would finally kill him.

But now, his focus had shifted. He wasn’t counting down the days until the year was over anymore. Instead, he was counting down the hours until he would call Andrew again.

Neil didn’t understand why he was doing it but he also wasn’t able to stop.

The next time Neil called Andrew, after he had told him he hated him, Neil was content with just asking Andrew how he was doing and not getting an answer before falling silent.

While the hours he waited for these moments never seemed to pass fast enough, the hour he had with Andrew on the phone always went by in a heartbeat.

Neil didn’t mind. It fuelled him for the next two or three days until it was once again time to call.

This time, when Neil asked about Andrew’s well being, Andrew bristled, “Why aren’t you going anywhere?”

Neil wasn’t stupid enough to question if the choice of words was coincidental. It never was with Andrew. So Neil easily replied, “You know why.” Andrew knew while for Neil it was another question he couldn’t answer quite yet. “Why do you keep picking up the phone?” He challenged a moment later.

If they were face to face, Neil would probably see how thoroughly unimpressed Andrew was by that accusation but for now, Neil had to settle for his aggressive silence.

—

The Exy Christmas banquet was only a day away the next time Neil called Andrew. He had made a promise to Andrew that he’d protect Kevin but he didn’t know how to assure him that that was still the case. He didn’t think it was necessary anyway.

Andrew didn’t ask about it either, his carelessness didn’t allow that.

However, after Neil’s by now mandatory, “How are you?” Andrew said monotonously, “Ask me that one more time and I’m going to punch you so hard in the throat that you won’t ever ask anyone anything again.”

It was such a sweet relief to hear Andrew talking like that again. It was almost enough to blend out the memory of that momentary slip up weeks ago. “I believe it when I see it,” Neil hummed. The amount of times Andrew had threatened him and not done anything about it in comparison to any of the other Foxes was astounding. He wondered how much it would actually take to get Andrew riled up enough to do something to him.

Maybe he’d live to see it.

Naturally, Andrew showed no sign of having heard him and while Neil let him ignore him, he counted Andrew’s breaths like he had been doing whenever the silences settled.

Their hour was almost over when Andrew spoke up again, warning him, “I’ll kill you if you tell anyone.”

He didn’t have to elaborate. It was clear that he meant _this_ , their phone calls. Neil hadn’t even thought of telling the other Foxes about this, mainly because he had no idea how to explain it. But most of all because Andrew was keeping his secret and it hadn’t occurred to Neil to betray him like that.

Andrew’s words startled a laugh out of Neil and he briefly wondered if Andrew was feeling enough to glower at the phone and Neil’s tinny laugh. Probably not. “Goodbye, Andrew,” He said pointedly, still smiling. It was the first time since this weird arrangement had started that Neil actually said goodbye before the call ended.

—

It was those last words Andrew had said to him and his own surprised laughter that gave him that tiny bit of strength he needed to hold on while he was subjected to Riko’s torture in Evermore Castle.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know if you liked it <3 With kudos, comments or on tumblr @julian-dahl


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